There are days when my mommy skills seem to shine through and illuminate my daughters growth. Then there are days like today when I’m the exact opposite of anything shiny and nice; I’m a “mean mommy,” as my daughter would say. It’s the days when I’ve worked all day and smiled and provided exceptional service to others. It’s the days when I’ve had to cook and clean and take out the trash and comb hair and give what’s left of my day to someone else. It’s the days when I know I’ve practiced reading, writing and basic arithmetic with her, yet when we sit down to do homework my daughter is completely clueless as to what is being asked of her. Then I snap.
I snap because I haven’t a smile left, I haven’t a nerve in reserve nor patience to take time out to assist my own child with her homework and that in itself frustrates and terrifies me. I’ve realized that most days I spend my energy and time working and socializing out of fear that if I don’t bills won’t be paid and my daughter won’t have a room to play in. It occurred to me that because I am playing the role of the provider and care taker that it’s hard for me to turn one off and the other on- while the care taker seems to dominate most daily agendas.
As the demands of my career increases, so do the bonuses. There’s a company car and gas card, there’s higher pay, there’s all expense paid travel, but what about the major con? I’ve adopted a philosophy that there are no negatives, but I can’t help but wonder what is to come of my maternal instincts if I am unable to nurture them and put them to good use with my own off spring? What is to become of this beautiful, innocent girl who at times is extremely lazy, but with guidance, support and unconditional love is completely capable of ruling the world?
We’re all balancing something. They say nothing is every picture perfect; however when I look into those big brown eyes framed by lashes that grown women envy, I know that perfection exists and it’s often destroyed by negligence. I pray for strength and more energy because I could never forgive myself if I destroy my greatest creation.