Party Like A Rockstar Pt. 1

You reach a point, more specifically an age in life when partying seems for the younger ones.  I mean let’s be real for a moment, who wants to be hung over trying to fix oatmeal and toast for breakfast for their children?  “Not I” said the complacent mom.  However, when you’re stuck in the middle, not quite ready to hang up your dancing shoes- where, and more importantly, how do you still party like a rock star and be coherent enough to get the kids to school on time?  Not for nothing, but momma’s gotta have a life too (not the cougar life either…gross)!

I’ll get back to you all on this one.  At the moment I have no proper solution. 

The Balancing Act

There are days when my mommy skills seem to shine through and illuminate my daughters growth. Then there are days like today when I’m the exact opposite of anything shiny and nice; I’m a “mean mommy,” as my daughter would say. It’s the days when I’ve worked all day and smiled and provided exceptional service to others.  It’s the days when I’ve had to cook and clean and take out the trash and comb hair and give what’s left of my day to someone else.  It’s the days when I know I’ve practiced reading, writing and basic arithmetic with her, yet when we sit down to do homework my daughter is completely clueless as to what is being asked of her.  Then I snap.

I snap because I haven’t a smile left, I haven’t a nerve in reserve nor patience to take time out to assist my own child with her homework and that in itself frustrates and terrifies me.  I’ve realized that most days I spend my energy and time working and socializing out of fear that if I don’t bills won’t be paid and my daughter won’t have a room to play in.  It occurred to me that because I am playing the role of the provider and care taker that it’s hard for me to turn one off and the other on- while the care taker seems to dominate most daily agendas. 

As the demands of my career increases, so do the bonuses.  There’s a company car and gas card, there’s higher pay, there’s all expense paid travel, but what about the major con?  I’ve adopted a philosophy that there are no negatives, but I can’t help but wonder what is to come of my maternal instincts if I am unable to nurture them and put them to good use with my own off spring?  What is to become of this beautiful, innocent girl who at times is extremely lazy, but with guidance, support and unconditional love is completely capable of ruling the world?

We’re all balancing something.  They say nothing is every picture perfect; however when I look into those big brown eyes framed by lashes that grown women envy, I know that perfection exists and it’s often destroyed by negligence.  I pray for strength and more energy because I could never forgive myself if I destroy my greatest creation.   

Running On E

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you eat, purchase yourself, or exercise your way through you feel your energy is depleted. Everyone is withdrawing from your energy bank via conversations about themselves (I’m extremely guilty of this), things they need you to do for them (my boss is extremely guilty of this), or just your daily responsibilities and commitments to those around you. In a perfect world we could wake up when we want and accomplish what we want or don’t want to for the day, but in reality the show must go on no matter how you feel.

I say all of this to say that even though the world isn’t a perfect place we can all do our part by understanding that EVERYONE is going through something. Instead of constantly withdrawing, wouldn’t it be great if we made just one deposit a day into someone else’s energy bank? It could be as simple as a compliment, or taking the trash out without being told. If you’re a child, you could do your homework without resistance and clean your room without the slightest protest.

I’ve learned that the little things restore me. A simple, “I see you and I applaud your efforts to not be defeated” will keep me going all day. It’s better than coffee. Disclaimer: I don’t make new year resolutions but I’m always compelled to change things when I feel something isn’t right. This is completely coincidental that this epiphany is happening so close to the new year. Nevertheless, join me in investing in someone else’s happiness and I’m sure it will come back around ten fold. Hello 2014!

2014

Dust Yourself Off & Try Again

Like many, my past isn’t squeaky clean.  I’ve hurt people and I’ve been hurt.  Over the years motherhood has definitely changed my outlook on life.  Post baby, I’ve tried to be more considerate of others and live by the golden rule.  However, you can’t outrun your past and today my past came calling. 

I’ve remained in contact with this old friend off-and-on over the years but I thought it was an unspoken truth that we would never be again.  I was excited to hear from him and answered believing it to be one of our annual “catch up chats” but I could tell by the tone of his voice that the conversation would be more serious. He began to speak about the old “us” and I feared what was to come next.  Again, I’ve hurt people in my past life.

As I listened intently awaiting my verbal lashing about all the irritating habits or inconsiderate and selfish things I did (yes, I’ve had this talk a time or two before) he surprised me with compliments.  He told me how perfect I was and how over the years he hasn’t been able to replace me or escape thoughts of the old “us.”  He expressed his desire to give “us” another chance, to do it right this time.  He outlined all of the qualities that had kept him checking in with me over the years and for once I was the “the one that got away” (score)!

Although I don’t know what the future may hold for us, I needed to be reminded that I was a good woman and that I had things to offer.   Becoming a single mother was a nearly fatal blow to my ego.  Over the years I’ve put up with more than I ever would prior to having my daughter because deep down inside I felt I no longer embodied the fun, fearless female persona that kept me demanding respect, therefor I didn’t deserve to receive respect.  I was ashamed of myself at times and the men I dated preyed on my vulnerability.

Hearing him speak of all that great things I used to do and how I walked and talked, how confident and passionate I was reminded me of who I am.  Sometimes its nothing like a good ole trip down memory lane to help you regain your focus.  I’ve issued enough second chances to people who didn’t deserve the first one.  Thanks old friend for reminding me that I deserve to give myself a second chance too.    

I hate to admit it but I’ve always believed in fairy tales.  Unfortunately, over time, life has had a funny way of showing me that fairy tales may be best suited for the television screen.  Nevertheless, after a failed relationship with my daughters father I still believed that the equally fabulous “single-mother me” could find true love (gags while typing).  Yes, dating is hard, but I was ready.

So I met a guy and he was nice.  He brought me flowers, and a polka dot shirt (don’t judge me).  He opened doors and complimented me when I would get dressed, but I was mean to him.  I wasn’t sure if I liked him or his gestures, after all, guys are always nice during the chase…right? Then I began to assess why I was so mean and I realized I was afraid.  I was afraid of a fairy tale love. Although I liked the idea in theory, I felt that in reality it could never be, mainly because I wasn’t perfect.

I had baggage.  I never felt that I was a bag lady before (I always purchase shoes over bags), but meeting him and seeing how perfect he was began to make me see how perfect I wasn’t.  He had no children, a great job, and a wonderful sense of fashion. Yes, I questioned his sexuality at first, but after close examination I determined he was in fact 100 percent heterosexual.

How could I want, and constantly seek perfection from a spouse when I was flawed? I don’t regret my daughter, and he never made me feel like he had a problem with me having a child, but I realized the responsibility that he would be taking on if we became serious and it scared me straight out of my potential fairy tale.  The thought of combinding my daughters life with another person who had the potential of failing us both was overwhelming and I quickly crumbled.

Eventually he became distant, maybe in response to my distance.  Then I thought to myself, anyone not willing to fight for us isn’t right for us.  Conclusion: I’m glad I waited to see if it was real.  Maybe fairy tales do exist and I just haven’t found my prince yet.

Love-Gives-Us-A-Fairytale