Party Like A Rockstar Pt. 1

You reach a point, more specifically an age in life when partying seems for the younger ones.  I mean let’s be real for a moment, who wants to be hung over trying to fix oatmeal and toast for breakfast for their children?  “Not I” said the complacent mom.  However, when you’re stuck in the middle, not quite ready to hang up your dancing shoes- where, and more importantly, how do you still party like a rock star and be coherent enough to get the kids to school on time?  Not for nothing, but momma’s gotta have a life too (not the cougar life either…gross)!

I’ll get back to you all on this one.  At the moment I have no proper solution. 

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The Balancing Act

There are days when my mommy skills seem to shine through and illuminate my daughters growth. Then there are days like today when I’m the exact opposite of anything shiny and nice; I’m a “mean mommy,” as my daughter would say. It’s the days when I’ve worked all day and smiled and provided exceptional service to others.  It’s the days when I’ve had to cook and clean and take out the trash and comb hair and give what’s left of my day to someone else.  It’s the days when I know I’ve practiced reading, writing and basic arithmetic with her, yet when we sit down to do homework my daughter is completely clueless as to what is being asked of her.  Then I snap.

I snap because I haven’t a smile left, I haven’t a nerve in reserve nor patience to take time out to assist my own child with her homework and that in itself frustrates and terrifies me.  I’ve realized that most days I spend my energy and time working and socializing out of fear that if I don’t bills won’t be paid and my daughter won’t have a room to play in.  It occurred to me that because I am playing the role of the provider and care taker that it’s hard for me to turn one off and the other on- while the care taker seems to dominate most daily agendas. 

As the demands of my career increases, so do the bonuses.  There’s a company car and gas card, there’s higher pay, there’s all expense paid travel, but what about the major con?  I’ve adopted a philosophy that there are no negatives, but I can’t help but wonder what is to come of my maternal instincts if I am unable to nurture them and put them to good use with my own off spring?  What is to become of this beautiful, innocent girl who at times is extremely lazy, but with guidance, support and unconditional love is completely capable of ruling the world?

We’re all balancing something.  They say nothing is every picture perfect; however when I look into those big brown eyes framed by lashes that grown women envy, I know that perfection exists and it’s often destroyed by negligence.  I pray for strength and more energy because I could never forgive myself if I destroy my greatest creation.   

Being HONEST Can Save Your Life

I’m a firm believer in honesty.  I feel like if more people were honest with themselves it would be easier for society to have NONJUDGEMENTAL open communication about the things that really plague us.  Today, like most days, I’d like to be honest and share my thoughts with the public.  It is HARD being a parent. I know some may be thinking, no sh-t Sherlock!  No matter if you are single or co-parenting with a spouse, relative or close friend -the bottom line is it is hard to dedicate the majority of your life to securing another’s safety, finances, health (mental and physical), happiness and more. 

The thing is, the truly devastating and overwhelming part for me isn’t what if I can’t do this, but what if I successfully do this and this little ingrate still becomes a high school dropout, meth head prostitute who abandons her own bastard children for the sake of the next high? I mean you get what I’m saying; it could be any circumstance that doesn’t fall into my perfect vision for her perfect life.  It’s the unknown.  When your baby holds your finger for the first time and cracks a smile while sleeping so peacefully, you don’t know what they’ll be bringing to your life. 

By default you think they will be bringing all the wonders of heaven because at that time they are pure and beautiful and can’t talk.  Then they grow and you start noticing mischievous behaviors that someone has come up with clever dismissive labels like “terrible twos” to ease your anxiety and to reassure you that you are not raising Satan’s spawn.  But how do you really know?  As the saying goes, hindsight is always 20/20.  I’m sure plenty of parents saw signs early on of what their child was to become.     

The family in Ohio who recently returned their son to Child Welfare Services may be responsible for a paradigm shift in parenting.  They acted BEFORE it was too late.  Before children were murdered in their first grade class, before another high school was being featured on the news for a fatal school shooting, before parents lay dead from stab wounds to the chest because they said he couldn’t have the new XBOX for Christmas, before someone could ask where are the parents,  these parents spoke up!  They said he has shown signs that scare us and others.  We fear for our safety when dealing with our 9-year-old son.  We don’t know how to help him and rather than risk having blood on our hands, we want to be proactive.

Children today play games like knock out for fun.  Not even the new Grand Theft Auto can fulfill their quest for blood.  They are seeking the real thing.   It is a reality.  Why are kids crazier now than before?  Who knows!  Is it the media? Is it the music? Is it passive parenting?  Maybe.   No one can say for sure.  However, if you are being honest, and nonjudgmental, then you should be grateful that this family had the courage to speak up.  I don’t recommend we all go returning our kids to Child Welfare Services during the rebellious years, because as a parent it’s our duty to love even the meth head, prostitute daughter.  Nevertheless, if I ever fear for my life, my daughter will have to go. The only difference is it won’t be a surprise to her because she knows that already as we have these discussions on a regular basis.    

As I stated early, be honest with yourself.   

Dust Yourself Off & Try Again

Like many, my past isn’t squeaky clean.  I’ve hurt people and I’ve been hurt.  Over the years motherhood has definitely changed my outlook on life.  Post baby, I’ve tried to be more considerate of others and live by the golden rule.  However, you can’t outrun your past and today my past came calling. 

I’ve remained in contact with this old friend off-and-on over the years but I thought it was an unspoken truth that we would never be again.  I was excited to hear from him and answered believing it to be one of our annual “catch up chats” but I could tell by the tone of his voice that the conversation would be more serious. He began to speak about the old “us” and I feared what was to come next.  Again, I’ve hurt people in my past life.

As I listened intently awaiting my verbal lashing about all the irritating habits or inconsiderate and selfish things I did (yes, I’ve had this talk a time or two before) he surprised me with compliments.  He told me how perfect I was and how over the years he hasn’t been able to replace me or escape thoughts of the old “us.”  He expressed his desire to give “us” another chance, to do it right this time.  He outlined all of the qualities that had kept him checking in with me over the years and for once I was the “the one that got away” (score)!

Although I don’t know what the future may hold for us, I needed to be reminded that I was a good woman and that I had things to offer.   Becoming a single mother was a nearly fatal blow to my ego.  Over the years I’ve put up with more than I ever would prior to having my daughter because deep down inside I felt I no longer embodied the fun, fearless female persona that kept me demanding respect, therefor I didn’t deserve to receive respect.  I was ashamed of myself at times and the men I dated preyed on my vulnerability.

Hearing him speak of all that great things I used to do and how I walked and talked, how confident and passionate I was reminded me of who I am.  Sometimes its nothing like a good ole trip down memory lane to help you regain your focus.  I’ve issued enough second chances to people who didn’t deserve the first one.  Thanks old friend for reminding me that I deserve to give myself a second chance too.